


Give Us a Hanibble?

by AllTheTime



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: AU, Attempt at Humor, Bad Puns, Crack, Food, Food references, Hannibal is Not a Cannibal, Hannibal not cannibal au, Humor, One Shot, Tea, Vegetarians & Vegans, agressive tea making, mentions of dairy alternatives, vegetarian au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:22:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllTheTime/pseuds/AllTheTime
Summary: A Hannibal not cannibal AU for Charles.There is a sin greater than cannibalism.





	

There is a sin greater than cannibalism, a sin greater than the shoddy attempts to fill in potholes in the road which only causes them to erode at a quicker and more alarming pace, a sin more cardinal than putting the milk into the mug before the boiling water. Let me get this one straight for you, for the purpose of this story there is a sin greater than adding the milk in first. Ordinarily I would argue that the addition of milk before water is quite possible the worst thing you could do, a close second would be the act of brewing the tea in the microwave, I kid you not, that is a horrific crime that is more prevalent in the states than over in tea land, also known as the United Kingdom, despite its origins being India.

Perhaps this happens in a universe where the milk does not coat the bag in a film like texture that prevents the tea bag from steeping. 

So, dear reader, and Charles, cast your mind to a place of indestructibly good teabags, I’m about to tell you the greatest sin of them all. 

Hannibal not cannibal. 

Dr Hannibal Lecter had a beautiful name, yet it rhymed with the act of eating your fellow species, an act that he abhorred for the good doctor was a vegetarian, he had toyed with the idea of veganism but he really couldn’t stomach the flavour of almond milk or all the other varieties, coconut, soy, hazelnut, rice, flax, hemp, oat and that one that was more chemical than plants. He often lied to his friends when they came over for his ornate dinner parties,

“Doctor Lecter, I must ask, how is this meat so tender?” They would ask as they chomped happily on their plant based protein. Lecter smiled a very secretive smile, he would never tell them, he never wanted to disappoint his friends or reveal to them that he had tricked them into eating nothing other than the finest meat substitute. Before speaking he ensured to remove the sly tone that plagued his mind whenever he thought about concealing information to them, 

“It’s the marinade, the acid helps to keep the meat soft and gives it a delightful texture that melts in the mouth. More wine?” He offered as he topped their glasses without ceremony.

Will was more suspicious, through their meetings Will had noticed that Hannibal allowed mild disgust to break through his façade whenever Will ate his beef sandwich. Something Hannibal greatly denied. 

“Perhaps you want me to be disgusted at your lunch that you make it so.” He said in a calm voice as he sat back from him desk.

Floundering for words, Will put down his sandwich, “Why? Why would I want that?” He asked. 

“I don’t know, Will, why might you want me to be disgusted at your lunch?” He asked, the same tone that riled Will every time he challenged him. Will put his sandwich away in defiance,  
“I will figure it out!” 

“Your anger is getting the better of you, perhaps you’re better off focusing on yourself and not me, I’m here to help you.” And by ‘help’ he meant he was going to turn him vegetarian. It was the greatest control he could have over a person and he wasn’t about to let it go.  
“Tea?” He offered Will, “With milk?”  
“Please, and sugar if you have it.” He gave Doctor Lecter a shy smile.  
“Heavens, no. That is a sin greater than cannibalism!” He suddenly raised his voice.  
“Who said anything about cannibalism?” Will asked, of course! Everything was starting to add up, the secrecy the strange dinner parties, everything.  
“You did. Just then.” Hannibal frowned, “Very interesting, very interesting indeed, something we must discuss. A very dominant act, do you think of yourself as a dominant person?”  
“You are a cannibal!” he shouted and kicked the chair angrily. 

Dr Lecter looked at him as he removed the cup of tea that sat on his desk for fear of spilling it over his documents.   
“I shall tell you a secret, a secret that must not leave my office, are you prepared to hear it?” He spoke carefully, his voice sounded considered. Will sat back down again, his restlessness caused him to shuffle from one butt cheek to the other, he felt compelled by Hannibal’s commanding voice, he took the tea, sans sugar, to his lips and sipped the hot milky drink. Will nodded, he was ready.

  
“I’m a vegetarian.” He said, again with a careful and poised voice.  
“Disgusting.” Will said, he was truly horrified.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you want me to write MORE of my veggie!Hannibal fics. Or veggie!othercharacter fics.  
> Tweet me @alentyne   
> AND COMMENTS all the COMMENTS.  
>  How do you like your tea?
> 
> (I'm sorry I butchered your series. no pun intended, I haven't watched much of this.)


End file.
